Follow the yellow brick road…sometimes in this life and on my road to recovery after sexual trauma I have associated myself with the entire cast of the Wizard of Oz…there were times I was like the Tin Man…I would just cry and be so depressed over my past circumstances and trauma that I would find myself “stuck” as if I had no way out and the moisture from my tears would cause me to “rust” and I would be of no use to myself and no one else and I would say that “if I only had a heart” I would be able to love myself for who I was and love others as well as accept their love and accept those things that God allowed for I know that He loves me and would never leave nor forsake me! He then taught me to stop standing in my rust “chopping” or pushing away my friends and loved ones with my “ax” of self pity would showed me that my flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever!
Then there were the days I found myself living like the Scarecrow…merely a human figure dressed in old clothes! So empty inside that I thought that my life was destined to be nothing. My thoughts were so empty and self destructive that I cried, “If I only had a brain!” I would not make such bad choices in life or involve myself with unhealthy relationships and think of impure thoughts and would be able to set healthy boundaries! I could think before I speak or react so that I would not continue to cause harm to others because my thoughts were those of a wounded, selfish and empty person. If I only had a brain I would have realized that the Word of God was a road map for me to read and meditate upon and that in His word it tells me to commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established (psalms 16:3) and from there I thought on my ways, and turned my feet unto thy testimonies (Psalms 119:58)
And oh how can I forget the days that I lived as the cowardly lion! My appearance seemed ferocious and confident but inside I was a scared and horrified little girl! My bark was louder than my bite…as a matter of fact…I did not even have any teeth! I only talked of those things that I should have walked in…courage! My fears were so crippling and consuming that I had no direction in my life that I stood in one place and shivered. I was pitiful…I did not have the courage to heal, love, give, accept, restore or anything that would help me be a stronger being. I failed to understand what it meant when the Bible stated: Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Then when Joshua said, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight…I realized that God is the one to give me the courage that I need to stand and fight all that the enemy brings upon me and it will be He not I that will defeat the enemy…all I have to do is stand!
Finally there was my Dorothy days…the days “I just wanted to go home!” Just let me click my heels 3 times Lord and come and rest with you! The pain and disappointments are too much for me to bear in this life! I tried to commit suicide and had great bouts with depression and wondered when was all this madness going to ever end?!? I was seeking and searching and looking and crying only to discover that the answer was there all the time! I had to stand up to look up and realize that my heavenly Father made a promise that He would never leave or forsake me…I had to trust Him at His word! I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread….I had to believe that LORD will not cast off his people, neither will he forsake his inheritance! I did not need to leave this place to find the much needed rest that I desired…all I had to do was rest in His arms…where it is safe and peaceful. His arms are the place where you find that peace that surpasses all understanding….in His arms in where you find that rest...that glorious rest…in His arms is where you will find the strength the press on towards the mark of the prize of a higher calling!
So in closing… as I travel on my journey I now understand that I am not many characters but one individual that battled many demons that tried to destroy the one person that I am …more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus! I had the heart, the brain, the courage and the power to come home where my healing was and now know that it was all by and through the grace of God!
Hope this encourages someone!
Be blessed, Lavinia
Then there were the days I found myself living like the Scarecrow…merely a human figure dressed in old clothes! So empty inside that I thought that my life was destined to be nothing. My thoughts were so empty and self destructive that I cried, “If I only had a brain!” I would not make such bad choices in life or involve myself with unhealthy relationships and think of impure thoughts and would be able to set healthy boundaries! I could think before I speak or react so that I would not continue to cause harm to others because my thoughts were those of a wounded, selfish and empty person. If I only had a brain I would have realized that the Word of God was a road map for me to read and meditate upon and that in His word it tells me to commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established (psalms 16:3) and from there I thought on my ways, and turned my feet unto thy testimonies (Psalms 119:58)
And oh how can I forget the days that I lived as the cowardly lion! My appearance seemed ferocious and confident but inside I was a scared and horrified little girl! My bark was louder than my bite…as a matter of fact…I did not even have any teeth! I only talked of those things that I should have walked in…courage! My fears were so crippling and consuming that I had no direction in my life that I stood in one place and shivered. I was pitiful…I did not have the courage to heal, love, give, accept, restore or anything that would help me be a stronger being. I failed to understand what it meant when the Bible stated: Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Then when Joshua said, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight…I realized that God is the one to give me the courage that I need to stand and fight all that the enemy brings upon me and it will be He not I that will defeat the enemy…all I have to do is stand!
Finally there was my Dorothy days…the days “I just wanted to go home!” Just let me click my heels 3 times Lord and come and rest with you! The pain and disappointments are too much for me to bear in this life! I tried to commit suicide and had great bouts with depression and wondered when was all this madness going to ever end?!? I was seeking and searching and looking and crying only to discover that the answer was there all the time! I had to stand up to look up and realize that my heavenly Father made a promise that He would never leave or forsake me…I had to trust Him at His word! I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread….I had to believe that LORD will not cast off his people, neither will he forsake his inheritance! I did not need to leave this place to find the much needed rest that I desired…all I had to do was rest in His arms…where it is safe and peaceful. His arms are the place where you find that peace that surpasses all understanding….in His arms in where you find that rest...that glorious rest…in His arms is where you will find the strength the press on towards the mark of the prize of a higher calling!
So in closing… as I travel on my journey I now understand that I am not many characters but one individual that battled many demons that tried to destroy the one person that I am …more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus! I had the heart, the brain, the courage and the power to come home where my healing was and now know that it was all by and through the grace of God!
Hope this encourages someone!
Be blessed, Lavinia
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